susurrus

a stitch in time....

2012-02-14T09:28:00.000-08:00

it is so breathtakingly frightening when one wears one's heart on one's sleeve for everyone to see....and poke....and pick off pieces...like lint from the dryer...all we can do is remember the good times....the love.... and learn to duck....when someone reaches for a touch...or with gleaming intent in their eyes....rips the sleeve off. All you can do is sew it back on....and in the process... learn a new stitch.

City forest

2012-01-22T08:43:00.000-08:00

‎4 am, the middle of the city is as silent as it can get. The air is warm, even though it's january. I can hear, far from my building, the low, ominous rumble of a city bus; stopping and starting at corners and kiosks, complaining and empty. My sleep dumb mind is searching for reasons to stay awake....or slip back into the nest of sleep. Sleep wins, and the next thing I hear, as I surface again, is the morning call of city birds, chirping and singing with a sense of abandon one rarely hears in this place of deep cement and brick canyons. I am at once charmed. My happy bell starts to chime and wakefulness takes hold. I lay there thinking about those birds who mistakenly think they live in a protected, warm forest of plentiful nesting spots and safety from storms. The parking garage birds. Sometimes one even lands on my windowsill and blesses me with a private aria.

..Petitions of the Heart......The Mountain.

2012-01-16T01:08:00.000-08:00

Day turned to night and night to day. And still he sat upon the mountain.
"What does he hope to discover?" thought the angel who sat by his side, unseen by the man.
"Does he know that there are endless endings?"
"Does he know that he is master of his own fate?"
"Does he think the answer will show itself to him in some sort of magical way?"

The man sighed and the angel relaxed and looked out to the horizon where the man was staring.
"Dear God," spoke the man. The angel said Amen and turned to the man to hear what he was going to say to God.
"I am only a man," he paused and cleared his throat. "I thought that what I was doing was right and so I continued to do it. And now I am suddenly older and I am no longer sure. I thought I had all the answers to all the questions. But now I have questions for which my usual method of finding answers doesn't work. My patterns are so tightly formed. I don't know how to get beyond this point. I am asking for something from you."

The angel nodded his head. "Good," he thought, "This man really does know the answers; time will help him to see. Time, faith and truth."

The angel wrapped his wing around the man and the man felt its warmth. And a gentle thought entered his mind, "Follow your heart. Wherever it takes you is the right place."

And the sun broke through the clouds and the man left the mountain.

...turning into our mothers.....

2011-12-21T13:57:00.000-08:00

In response to Amy Ferris realizing rather suddenly that she can, with no conscious forethought, turn into her mother .......

oh gosh, Amy. That must have been such an abrupt, neck damaging 'hold up there girl' moment. It makes me realize that within me/you live many women; some exquisitely beautiful, some...not so much. Thankfully that whiplash woman doesn't show her face too often; my cats would pack a duffel and move next door. But, I think we can take heart in the true and honest fact that for the most part, we're pretty good people to be around. Forgive yourself, precious woman who, at times, is a bit high maintenance.

http://www.marryinggeorgeclooney.com/blog/2011/12/21/to-bea-or-not-to-bea/

2011-12-21T13:46:00.000-08:00

The spirit that lives in all women can, at times, explode in the faces of her captors, and it's probably a good idea to stand back.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/21/world/middleeast/violence-enters-5th-day-as-egyptian-general-blames-protesters.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all

Temporary Blindness

2011-12-21T13:42:00.000-08:00

The most recent posts on FB concerning the callous disregard for the most vulnerable Americans caused me temporary blindness. No wonder our so-called 'government' is in such a ball of knots. Sometimes, at least in my experience, when a skein of thread/yarn becomes so entangled as to be impossible to untangle, it just flat needs to be tossed. Some areas where you can extract usable lengths can be salvaged, but others are knotted up with lint and cat fur and are so disgusting and 'furball' like ya' just gotta' toss em'.

This is just me getting started....

2011-11-29T11:58:00.000-08:00

What I think Americans need to consider:

Abolish political parties: let all candidates prove to the people that they are learned, compassionate, civic minded, frugal, inventive, humane, forward thinking, and have the ability to listen quietly, to adjust direction for the good of the people and the country, to deny access to self serving entities with money to influence votes, and to have advisors that represent all levels of our society and that share all these afformentioned qualities. These people must, above all, understand that they are being voted for by the American people and the American people have the ability to remove them if they do not adhere to these precepts.

Abolish the electoral college. One citizen, one vote.

Abolish political access to television. No political ads allowed. Politicians are allowed to stump, to have their live speeches broadcast on National Public Radio only. They can accept offers for interviews by media representatives who exhibit the same qualities to which the candidates are subject. There are plenty of news shows on tv where they can have their voices heard.

#1--THIS IS WHY:

http://www.nationalmemo.com/article/did-drug-firms-hire-gingrich-back-medicare-drug-benefit

2011-11-12T10:03:00.000-08:00

From mile marker 64: I question the sage who sits on the back of my eyes....I ask, I say, is it best to immerse myself in the sadness of my failures? Is it best to know the failures are there, they' re mine, I acknowledge them, now move forward? Is it best to shove the failures into the locked room behind my eyes, and not let them out to spread across my table to be examined for color and density and texture? Which is what I do, again and again....look for reason and color, meaning and density, truth and texture.

William Arthur

2011-08-17T11:38:00.000-07:00

He is luminous and luscious

a round cornered boy of sturdy bearing.

his mind is electric, shooting sparks

through his eyes,

you see his soul.

Green eyed boy,

of sweetness made.

of knights and butterflies

and hidden dreams.

Bone and Flesh

2011-08-04T17:43:00.000-07:00

There is a house

Made of bone and flesh

Who lives inside?

What lives inside

Dark corners, too small

Room after room

Windows opaque, unseeing

Unseen, the truth of being

Too fearful to raise it’s head,

furtively glancing behind

And beyond.

Sniffing the air, wishing for rain,

Wishing for soup.

A house made of bone and flesh,

So slowly it twirls,

A child at twilight

Golden hair lifting,

Skirt rising,

ballooning around dirty knees.

Tiptoe tiny dancer,

Green green grass beneath

her dirty feet.

Dance dance dance…

Hands outstretched

Wishing for hands

To touch.

Eyes closed upon the

Darkness

No firefly lights

Her way

No hands reach out.

Spinning slowly

Furtively peering over

Window sills,

Through glass opaque,

No hands reach out,

Or through.

No rain

No soup.

2011-05-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

this is a personal observation in regard to water versus rock: I think of myself as a multi colored, multi surfaced rock tumbling and bouncing through the watery stream of life. Sometimes I get lodged up against a larger rock, a stuck in place rock, but the flow of the water dislodges me and I once again roll with the current. The sound of the stream is what is attractive to me; the tinkling, laughing sound of freedom, freedom to move on, freedom to stay in place, freedom to temporarily float in a still pool, and then freedom to catch that current and move on to whatever comes next.

when the light is flashing...

2011-05-01T13:24:00.000-07:00

at night

deep

in the wrinkled cloth of night,

the stoplights flash,

a plea for help...

as furtive shadows creep

denying kindness

faith

and healing.

the sounds of metal scaping

metal.

and odor of wet asphalt,

releasing thin

curvaceous

tendrils,

recede into the night noise

static recede

perfume of night

recede

flashing lights

recede.

a hug for Brauna...

2011-04-15T08:32:00.000-07:00

feel not alone,

for your heart is in good company.

feel joy, feel release,

feel a mother's love,

the holding tight

the caress,

the instruction

for a life of good works,

and the letting go.

feel not alone,

for you are in good company.

You are a Gift to Me...

2011-03-24T11:25:00.000-07:00

sometimes we run faster than impatience, and when we slow

slightly,

it slams into our back, knocks us down, and stands on us... stomping on us

in a dance

with arms raised victorious over our better judgement.

But stand good girl,

but stand, and brush off the now fluttering arms of impatience,

brush them from your face and look....and see....and breathe

....and then smile.

You've learned a trick! why you can teach an old dog new tricks!

Be kind to yourself, yes, be kind to yourself.

The time of super sonic speed, and super woman deeds, and super over inflated emergencies is past.......

and it....

....sits in the dust that you,

you, have created.

face forward, love of my life, yes I love you,

face forward and experience each and every moment,

each and every moment.

A gift, this moment, this life

look inside and see me

tell you, "You are a gift...to me, and I love you."

2011-03-22T09:35:00.000-07:00

I believe I have created the last of my dolls. thank God it was for Connie, the incredible woman in Texas who has more of my work than I do.

2011-02-05T11:26:00.000-08:00

It's strange how your discontent or happiness affects me. I have a thin current of worry with your name on it
that flows alongside all the other worries
in my underground reservoir. I think,
at least in your case,
the worry revolves around unfulfilled creativity. But,
also,
I have an even larger stream
that flows
whose name is 'faith'. They intertwine
and flow together forever
over the edge of my visible horizon.
One balancing the other.
So love, be good, be happy, drive carefully,
and make me something pretty
from your heart.
love you, M

2011-01-01T13:04:00.000-08:00

what is most precious in your life?
what sits close to your heart?
the warm from the proximity,
the ease of the silence
the touch, so sweet,
but no touch needed.
only the distance
so small.
The colors of close,
of warm,
of safe,
of close your eyes
I know how you feel,
now rest.
You are here
you are near.

Happy and Healthy New Year To All!!
Mardene

Smoke Signals from 5000 feet

2010-07-04T10:10:00.000-07:00

life altering changes seem to be the hallmark of this span in a human life.
in my life the alteration comes from my decision to move away from a place where I am isolated, to a place within the beating heart of a big city.
this month, the month of my 63rd birthday, I'm moving to a high rise apartment in Denver. Where I can immerse
myself in the pulsing life at ground level, or climb to the top where I'll have a 360 degree view 5000 feet above sea level and ten stories up.
my goal is to develop an environment where I can write about things, people, places as seen from my own eyes, mind and heart.
soon I will be sending up smoke signals from the inner most ring of Denver.
I'm going with low expectations because I hate to be disappointed, and betrayal of any sort leaves a very bad, vinegary taste in my mouth... no betrayal or disappointment allowed. only new experiences, a full and functioning imagination, and hugs; lots and lots of touching. when I realized that I am never touched, and I never touch anyone, a sense of urgency pushed me to this decision. without the touch of human skin, and human interaction I was wilting like a flower deprived of water and sunlight.
and so, for me, another change in direction.

Tired

2010-05-21T16:51:00.000-07:00

I am so tired. My job is kicking my butt. I used to be so strong and powerful. now, not so much.
I have a question: how do you think you would feel if there was NO ONE in your life who called you 'honey', or 'precious', or 'sweetheart' ? .......just something to think about.

Someone let the CAT out of the bag.......

2010-05-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

there was one time when I allowed my outrage at mis-treatment to explode with the force that Amy allows....I had, for all intents and purposes lost my mind, and when my precious son walked in the room after spending the day with the 'perp' of this anecdote, a howl issued forth from my mouth the likes of which had never... been heard before, I grabbed the nearest object ( a five pound weight) and threw it at my son. Thank God I am a lousy pitcher, I missed him by 2 feet and the resultant hole in the wall stayed there to remind me to NEVER let that animal out ever again. Good? Bad?? What??

subjective subject

2010-05-18T17:58:00.000-07:00

can a person be objective when discussing a subjective subject? if , for more time than you can place numbers to, you only remember being in a dark place.......sticky, moaning, flitting shadows, saturated with the unknown threats that hide in the cracks of silence.

finding happiness is our lifelong goal. but, in fact, this statement reverberates with untruth. each human is endowed with relative free will. what is it that we were created to accomplish. surely there’s a bottom line reason. gone. all are gone. we create them, randomly. then we attempt to direct them. then they grow, then they look around, and see what?
we live to what end? the confusion is so total. the veil is so complete. alone. we are all, in the end, alone.

a slamming door has meaning. a slamming door has no meaning. silence has meaning. we create silence. we create the chaos that invades silence. I am me. and who, I ask, is that? I’m thinking that maybe, with a little energy, with a little time, by the end of time, I may be close to an answer.. never the whole answer. how can we know. but a small answer. my tiny answer. life revolves. I think that without inventors humans would still be dressed in animal skins, and getting their water from ponds. some humans are endowed with abilities to cause change, most are not. tiny circles. most are tiny circles.

flush out the lines. clean. yes. clean. no pain. no breathing problems. no headaches. to understand to feel me. alive. alive. my own life. the part of my life that was given to others is over. free to choose my next move. no consultations. no considerations. experience this life. right

the website

2010-02-09T16:46:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knNWGXLYrd4

Mistake

2010-02-09T16:21:00.000-08:00

the mistake was so bad that it completely unmoored me... that before my conscious mind was aware of it, I was in the throes of a complete perfect storm of weeping.
What could do this?
My first born child, Jenine, is a singer and base player in a bluegrass band in New Zealand with her husband Nathan on banjo and father-in-law Barry on guitar.
This girl/woman has always had a voice that brought me to tears. But now, in the bluegrass band, she has changed the way her voice sounds to fit the genre. Not that her ability to hit and hold a note is compromised, it just sounds different.
So today I found that she had added some youtube video to her online presence, and thinking "Wow, it's been a while since I've heard her sing, so I'll turn it up loud and start my housecleaning."
uh huh, that's what did it, remember I said she lives in New Zealand? The bloody bottom of the planet, 20,000 miles away from me...the sound of her voice so filled my house that it resulted in an unexpected shock to my well hidden reservoir of sadness that I keep in a back room of my mind with the door locked. At the first note that damn door was flung open and out came a ton of sludge and sediment from the bottom of the reservoir. My heart spasmed, and I wept uncontrollably. I miss her more than i can accurately describe. The pain is so intense that it makes my eyes water, and my breathing to become labored.
Fine, call me crazy. Whatever. It's time to stitch. One tiny stitch at a time, slowly pushing back the flood...........go back in there......go back in there.....I don't want you here.....go back in there.

nope, I can't really say anymore because I miss her more than mere words can describe.

no sleep

2010-02-04T09:41:00.001-08:00

I read til' 3 am last night, and only stopped becasue Teek was completely rolled over from his pillow onto mine and I was pulling long silky cat hairs off my lips. Now, I'm feeling a bit wonky and for some reason giggley. Go figure.

Thwarted!! lol

2010-02-02T15:25:00.000-08:00

so.................
my great and forward thinking plan to leave this gorgeous small town and move lock, stock and barrel (and approximately 100 large plastic bins) to the big city has run into a bit of a stumbling block:
the apartments where I applied will not have anything avaialble for at least 9-12 months. I'm on the waiting list. Truth? I feel like I've been tossed out the window.
but, as those who know me well, know that I'm pretty good at plan B. In fact, plan B is the outline of my life story.
question: do you really want to move to a loud, busy, very big city? Will S. would say, "Take my word for it, I've been to the big city, and this is not it."
Time now to relax, sew, think, and watch Lost tonight.
Back to the proverbial and literal drawing board.

2010-01-31T09:55:00.000-08:00

the dream state................

truth of the matter

2010-01-31T09:38:00.000-08:00

sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the windshield.
think about this................I don't think I want to be either.
I want to be the scene that sticks in your mind as you drive by............in the night, the solitary house, far back from the road, yellow light in the windows, moonglow fanning out across the landscape gilding silver the dark and solitary landscape....except the yellow light in the windows...........and when you remember the scene, you think, "Who lives in that house, so snug, safe from harm, cared for, protected?"

or look fleetingly down at the roadbed as you drive by..........and notice the tiny white flowers that are stubbornly growing at the edge of the hot asphalt, and the green of the grass, and the gold of the field, and think, "Who protects this land, who nurtures the flowers, and waters the grass?"

I wish to be the landscape bathed in the silvery glow of the Wolf Moon...I want to submerge in the yellow light in the window...I want to be the nurtured flower, and grass and field.

for some there is no yellow light in the window, for some no flowers, no grass; only the moonlight, leading us into the dark land. We shimmer, we disappear, and appear, in and out of light we walk, ever walking, no warm windows, no green grass, no white flowers.

Be a mensch.

2009-11-14T12:06:00.000-08:00

Anger is indeed a condition within which the tongue works faster than the mind.
This is the reason why I don't ever listen to vitriolic diatribes where religion and/or politics are the unifying subject.

This being said, it is a rare person that can expound intelligently on either subject. This is the person with whom which I will debate. You see, for me there is no compromise or capitulation. I don't take a statement at face value.......ever. Just because 2,009 years ago, give or take, there was a Jewish boy who drove his parents and teachers crazy because he also didn't take things at face value, and was also young enough, literate, astute and charismatic enough to the point of being able to lead those who chose to follow him without question, does not compel me on any level to accept the writings of other literate, Jewish boys who saw a cool way to get attention, as the be all end all, gospel.
This, to me, does not constitute a good reason to get all self righteous because the elected President of the United States, who definitely marches to the beat of his own drum, chooses to honor all Americans instead of only those that choose to follow without question one convincing Jewish boy in the throes of teenage rebellion. It truly boggles the mind. And please keep in mind that due to an accident of birth I was born to two Jewish parents. So, my upbringing has always centered on some very basic Jewish tenets: Always give to charity. If you have too much on your table give the rest to a hungry person. Study; get an education, always treat everyone as you would wish to be treated, and always question when you are presented with a person or idea that professes to be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Erica, my perpetual child!

2009-10-18T10:20:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbWw9tpDwbs&feature=autofb

2009-10-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

It is said that a person is not defined by who he is but by what he does; I am a seamstress. I custom create and fabricate anything your heart desires. A family history that goes back to Europe's finest needleworkers and artisans is the backbone of my commitment to excellence.

Ad eundum quo nemo ante iit ;-)

Samantha Jane 1.2

2009-08-29T17:17:00.000-07:00

She is sweeter than a ripe Fuji Apple. Pretty as true Autumn. Sublime as sunset over the Pacific. Samantha Jane 1.2

New Born

2009-08-29T17:01:00.000-07:00

it's true that there will come a day when you'll wake up from a deep, relaxing sleep and realize that 'today is the first day of the rest of your life'. I know that sounds like an antique cliche, but it happened to me today. it made me laugh. a true, joyful, giggly laugh.
I am comfortable in my skin. Yes, I am no longer young...yes, I am no longer sleekly beautiful...yes, my thoughts have shifted to a brand new level of consciousness. Am I glad about these changes? Yes and no. I'm a bit fearful that the years left to me are visible and numbered. But, no one could ever acuse me of being a pessimist. I'm a joyful woman. I raise my hands to my own internal keyboard and compose, and create, and spin, and weave a bounty of beautiful eye candy. My notes are all the colors of the rainbow, all the notes in the Universe, all the textures of our life. Comfortable in my skin.

Handmade for the Holidays!!

2009-08-17T08:04:00.000-07:00

I'm just finishing a gorgeous doll for a private client! no pictures yet. Remember everyone: BUY HANDMADE FOR THE HOLIDAYS!!! http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5194785

Etsy

2009-07-30T13:26:00.001-07:00

geppettosdaughter.etsy.com

procrastination

2009-07-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

a sorry state of affairs when you just can't find your way through the minefield of procrastination and get to work.....

Playdate

2009-07-27T09:57:00.000-07:00

Having the kids here, driving them up and down the backbone of Colorado to the airport, playdates (what else can you call what they do here?) concerts, hunting and gathering, the quest for sun and water. I'm sure you get my drift here. Along with my daytime job, and my suddenly active doll etc. business (I'm making a second quilt and matching teddy bear), I'm gripping the days with fingers extended to their maximum.
They're at someone else’s house this week; I can attempt to clean around their triple parked "stuff".
and finish the quilt and bear, and start the next doll- a centerpiece for an autumn foyer display for a woman who lives near you. Autumn? Summer? Did winter actually end? And now it's peeking over the Rockies at me again.
Ok, going to take a shower now ttyl

susurrus24: another Sale on Etsy!!!

2009-07-13T09:50:00.000-07:00

susurrus24: another Sale on Etsy!!!http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=27638047

another Sale on Etsy!!!

2009-07-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

woohoo!!! A nice woman, who collects dolls has purchased Samantha Jane!! She will be wearing an ivory dress and autumn leaf patterned apron. this is what she says:
by joannkade
profile
shop
contact
Thank you for writing me. I was wondering if it would be possible to have an autumn leaf pattern pinafore over a cream or ivory dress. We just moved into our new home and she will be one of my main decorations this fall. I have been collecting large homemade dolls for several years, but none of them compare in quality to your dolls. Thank you for making her for our family. Jo Ann
12 July 2009 12:35pm EDT

I rock!!!! Yep, sometimes the quilts that come out looking like dolls are worth all the effort!!

sometimes.......mmmm.........maybe?

2009-07-13T09:38:00.000-07:00

on every other day, in the long linked necklace of my days, I attempt to dig a deep convoluted hole through the rich, loamy earth of my psyche and create a bloody quilt. Sometimes it works........and sometimes........maybe not. Unfortunately, when the creative types who design human beings were handing out patience, I was in the french fry line. Right.....everything is relative. Hey, it takes a long time to make french fries and I can wait for that !!!! It would be so much easier if the quilts, etc.. that live in my my brain could be instantly translated to the top of my bed. good luck with that, Nana.

It has been a year since I held you in my arms......

2009-06-25T13:47:00.000-07:00

tomorrow they arrive.....it has been a year since I held them, kissed their baby smooth skin. All that is left to do is make their beds, and make sure my stock of peanut butter is up to snuff, and pray that the hungry Pacific is busy doing something else while their plane crosses so high above. Is it possible to keep an airplane in the air merely by the force of love for the occupants? So high, so far away.

2009-06-09T10:21:00.000-07:00

The Source
The streets of Chicago…In the springtime of the year you can taste the flowering,and feel the silky air caress your skin.At dusk, in summer you can hear the streets sigh with relief as the sun sets and humid air rises like a twirling, cartwheeling tap dancer leery of touching down on the moist, spongy asphalt.
In the autumn the smell is smoke.And sounds are crisp, and children crunch and stomp through fallen piles of leaves.And pump to the sky on rusty chain swings; head down, feet up.
And winter will take your life if you don’t know how to sidestep quickly.The purple sky is bruised and hurting and mean enough to punish you,you the innocent watcher,for no reason.
But winter also sings; the voice is icicles; tinkling bell notes,glittering in streetlights, mesmerizing your mind,drawing you slowly over icy sidewalks,searching for the source;the source of sound,and light,and warmth.

new girl in town

2009-05-20T07:52:00.000-07:00

beyond my ability

2009-03-28T09:07:00.000-07:00

evidently I am not intellectually capable of navigating this blog layout thing correctly. I'll try again later.

Geppetto's Daughter the Dolls!

2009-03-17T18:03:00.000-07:00

just three of my babies. check out geppettosdaughter.etsy.com

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5194785

Published!

2009-03-17T18:02:00.001-07:00

http://www.divinecaroline.com/article/22310/69600-bone-flesh

Bone and Flesh

2009-03-15T13:04:00.000-07:00

There is a house
Made of bone and flesh
Who lives inside?
What lives inside
Dark corners, too small
Room after room
Room after room

Room after room
Windows opaque, unseeing
Unseen, the truth of being
Too fearful to raise it’s head,
furtively glancing behind
And beyond.
Sniffing the air, wishing for rain,
Wishing for soup.

A house made of bone and flesh,
So slowly it twirls,
A child at twilight
Golden hair lifting,
Skirt rising,
ballooning around dirty knees.
Tiptoe tiny dancer,
Green green grass beneath
her dirty feet.
Dance dance dance…
Hands outstretched
Wishing for hands
To touch.
Eyes closed upon the
Darkness
No firefly lights
Her way
No hands reach out.
Spinning slowly
Furtively peering over
Window sills,
Through glass opaque,
No hands reach out,
Or through.
No rain
No soup.

my President!

2009-02-28T11:43:00.001-08:00

well, I don't know who sent you this, but not only do I take it personally, I am sure that this person did not vote for President Obama. The light at the end of the tunnel I peer through may have a slightly gilded, rosy tint, but it most assuredly is still lit, brighter than it's been in years. The economic problems were caused by greed. Greed and illiteracy. Plain and simple. It'll take a massive overhaul of the moral climate as well as the educational system for Americans to implement a true and real turnaround. Or maybe a plague of locusts that only have a taste for people with no respect for his or her fellow human. The economic climate is taking care of itself, the moral climate is a whole 'nother ballgame.

pes-uh-miz-uhm

2009-02-28T11:40:00.000-08:00

pessimism- [pes-uh-miz-uhm]

1.
the tendency to see, anticipate, or emphasize only bad or undesirable outcomes, results, conditions, problems, etc.: His pessimism about the future of our country depresses me.

Yes, you, my favorite newscasters for more than ten years are so pessimistic that I find myself switching to CBS.

Yes, America has problems; we know this, it's not news. Can we please hear some talk about how we as a nation are going about fixing the problems?

Yes, there are problems of a financial nature, serious, life threatening problems concerning the environment, problems concerning absent parents and their resultant out of control, uneducated, immoral children who are cruel and pessimistic.

Talk to me of the plans for renewal, the plans for solvency, for guidance and education of the children. I want to hear that we are all in this boat together, and that the new captain is young, energetic, optimistic, educated, and knows how to fix the mess he has inherited. All we need to do is listen to him, trust him, and do what we know how to do best; survive.

The dour predictions, the dour expressions (do you watch yourselves?), the less than enthusiastic faith in your fellow Americans to pull themselves up and keep swinging away is almost criminal. You know people listen to you, trust you, look to you for guidance and direction. And what do they get? PESSIMISM.

Am I expecting too much to want to hear on my newscast that we will get beyond this...as always...and come out on the other side better, smarter, kinder, more compassionate; filled with ideas, filled with laughter, filled with hope?

Seriously, listening to you causes my abdominal muscles to clench.

I wish for you happiness, prosperity, the love of a child, good food to eat, clean air to breathe, a soft bed to sleep in, a warm hand to hold.

2009-01-18T16:27:00.001-08:00

ah Israel, gorgeous, golden land! The land where the people of the Jewish faith can go and finally feel safe. Where industry and perseverence are the hallmark of the people. Where education of the people is paramount, and the minds and hearts of the children are nurtured with joy and love. Where a shining, strong nation rose up through the hands and hearts of a people so strong that NOTHING could totally extinguish the flaming will to live that is in the hearts of all Jews....ALL JEWS...all over the world. WE stand and cheer and pray and send our love across the land to you, to those who make a stand and protect a country brought forth from the sand and heat and broken hearts. Be strong, protect what you have created! Be proud, and rest assured that some day, yes, some day there will come a total reckoning, and all humanity will take a step back and see you for what you are; a land of the free, a home of the brave. Shalom

2008-11-19T08:50:00.000-08:00

bloody hell.

2008-11-19T08:48:00.001-08:00

first, I want to apologize to you for instilling in you, and your sister and brother, this burning need to question everything. In some situations this is a good quality, but when applied to EVERYTHING it definitely engenders a good bit of anxiety. I do this to myself. There's something else I do to myself that I can't quite parse out yet, but it causes heaps of anxiety. I have way too much time to think. I try to circumvent this 'thinking' thing by reading alot, but not with doing stuff. Stuff that I know for sure, when I'm doing it, makes me so creatively satisfied. I don't yet understand why I veer off and avoid doing these things. It's like there's something in my brain that acts like the Berlin wall. We all know life would be so much better if it was gone, but it stubbornly, illogically still exists.

ok, that said, questioning my desire to have a wireless connection is actually a good thing. I don't know why I want it. yes, I have a cable and phone wire trailing down the hallway, so what. it's almost as though I look for something to drag my time and attention away from things that would bring me so much more satisfaction. I don't know, it's all procrastination methods honed to a fine point. I just don't know why I can't get past or even around this blockade.

Ad eundum quo nemo ante iit
To boldly go where no man has gone before
From: Jenine Abarbanel To: Mardene Abarbanell Sent: Tuesday, November 18, 2008 11:31:45 PMSubject: wireless routerhttp://www.amazon.com/Linksys-WRT54G2-Wireless-G-Broadband-Router/dp/B0014J07R2/ref=dp_cp_ob_e_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1227076050&sr=8-30that will work.so, what happened to the airport express? it just stopped working with your machine? why do you want a wireless router anyway? you've only got one computer, you always use it in the same place, and you've got a phone jack out in the living room, right? or...do you? no, that jack doesn't work, does it. so you've been dragging the ethernet cable into the living room? is that too hard? what's the deal?j.

please let me know if you need.....

2008-11-08T11:21:00.000-08:00

the girls are waiting to hear from you.

the election.

2008-11-04T19:42:00.000-08:00

it occurred to me this evening, while watching this election, that an enormous quantity of life changing events have populated my life. and it also occurs to me that all of these events are fodder for....drum roll....stories!!! yes. what else was happening when these BIG things were happening? uh huh. you go girl...as soon as the pain is medicated away.

fibromyalgia

2008-11-04T10:36:00.000-08:00

girl, you're beginning to get on my nerves...........

2008-11-03T09:29:00.000-08:00

Grant's Farm felt the holocaust email I sent was anti-muslim. geez. whatever.
ok, I'm now the owner of the biggest microwave oven in the world. Jenine, thank you for leaving me the wheely cart, without which the transport of said mic oven would have been impossible.
why do I always feel as though there is no personality in my head? like, even though the person I am is so very evident, I still feel like I'm an empty vessel. whatever, geez.

sears!

2008-11-02T15:20:00.000-08:00

ok, so, the microwave I bought at Target was dented in three places, the little feet were wobbly and the damn thing got HOT on top. going to return it tomorrow, and go pick up my new sears kenmore microwave oven. yeah, sears. this feels like the longest day ever.still crazy warm, I'm wearing shorts!

2008-11-02T12:20:00.000-08:00

I have no idea what I've been doing this morning, I swear. But now I'm going to buy a microwave courtesy of my daughters. daughters are good.

evening November 1.

2008-11-01T15:44:00.000-07:00

and now it's evening, the sliding door is still open, and it's a magical time. the arms are done for the mermaid. pearls for this girl. Ross called. he's so very down. he just can't stop feeling sorry for himself and get up and do something. I'm hungry and I want to watch my netflix movie. no, I don't know what it is. going to go and buy a microwave. both daughters have offered to pay for it. love those girls. time to scramble some eggs. I'm tired and scratchy voiced.

2008-11-01T10:30:00.000-07:00

well, got rid of the hindu script. that was very disconcerting. I've been able to digest and file the problem with work. it's mortifying yes, but it's $5. pain in my left shoulder and arm. is this muscle strain? I danced for a bit to the garden of gorgeous language. hard not to. went downtown for veggies. baked squash and sweet potatoes and big carrots, really sweet. one was breakfast as well. I lost 6 pounds,doing nothing. could be the veggies. certainly not exercise. got a bit heartsick looking at pictures of the kids. got the itunes on and am actually going to spend the rest of the day pushing forward my own personal agenda. love you MA.

money

2008-10-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

I am very uncomfortable expressing my dismay concerning the lowering of my hourly wage again. Surely an error has been made. How can there be any legitimate justification for lowering the wage of a long term, loyal and and competent employee? Am I to read dire undercurrents into this? Am I being told that I am not a valued team member? Am I to read between the lines of a not so subtle hint that I am dispensable, disposable, and certainly not appreciated or valued? There is barely any other way to read this. I have been depreciated. I am stunned and overwhelmed. How do I absorb this and in what direction do I go next? This is a deplorable, and underhanded way to treat a person that has worked and struggled from the inception of this program, to haul the building blocks that have made it what it is today. I am devastated.