Tuesday, February 9, 2010

the website



the mistake was so bad that it completely unmoored me... that before my conscious mind was aware of it, I was in the throes of a complete perfect storm of weeping.
What could do this?
My first born child, Jenine, is a singer and base player in a bluegrass band in New Zealand with her husband Nathan on banjo and father-in-law Barry on guitar.
This girl/woman has always had a voice that brought me to tears. But now, in the bluegrass band, she has changed the way her voice sounds to fit the genre. Not that her ability to hit and hold a note is compromised, it just sounds different.
So today I found that she had added some youtube video to her online presence, and thinking "Wow, it's been a while since I've heard her sing, so I'll turn it up loud and start my housecleaning."
uh huh, that's what did it, remember I said she lives in New Zealand? The bloody bottom of the planet, 20,000 miles away from me...the sound of her voice so filled my house that it resulted in an unexpected shock to my well hidden reservoir of sadness that I keep in a back room of my mind with the door locked. At the first note that damn door was flung open and out came a ton of sludge and sediment from the bottom of the reservoir. My heart spasmed, and I wept uncontrollably. I miss her more than i can accurately describe. The pain is so intense that it makes my eyes water, and my breathing to become labored.
Fine, call me crazy. Whatever. It's time to stitch. One tiny stitch at a time, slowly pushing back the flood...........go back in there......go back in there.....I don't want you here.....go back in there.

nope, I can't really say anymore because I miss her more than mere words can describe.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

no sleep

I read til' 3 am last night, and only stopped becasue Teek was completely rolled over from his pillow onto mine and I was pulling long silky cat hairs off my lips. Now, I'm feeling a bit wonky and for some reason giggley. Go figure.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Thwarted!! lol

my great and forward thinking plan to leave this gorgeous small town and move lock, stock and barrel (and approximately 100 large plastic bins) to the big city has run into a bit of a stumbling block:
the apartments where I applied will not have anything avaialble for at least 9-12 months. I'm on the waiting list. Truth? I feel like I've been tossed out the window.
but, as those who know me well, know that I'm pretty good at plan B. In fact, plan B is the outline of my life story.
question: do you really want to move to a loud, busy, very big city? Will S. would say, "Take my word for it, I've been to the big city, and this is not it."
Time now to relax, sew, think, and watch Lost tonight.
Back to the proverbial and literal drawing board.