Wednesday, November 19, 2008

bloody hell.
first, I want to apologize to you for instilling in you, and your sister and brother, this burning need to question everything. In some situations this is a good quality, but when applied to EVERYTHING it definitely engenders a good bit of anxiety. I do this to myself. There's something else I do to myself that I can't quite parse out yet, but it causes heaps of anxiety. I have way too much time to think. I try to circumvent this 'thinking' thing by reading alot, but not with doing stuff. Stuff that I know for sure, when I'm doing it, makes me so creatively satisfied. I don't yet understand why I veer off and avoid doing these things. It's like there's something in my brain that acts like the Berlin wall. We all know life would be so much better if it was gone, but it stubbornly, illogically still exists.

ok, that said, questioning my desire to have a wireless connection is actually a good thing. I don't know why I want it. yes, I have a cable and phone wire trailing down the hallway, so what. it's almost as though I look for something to drag my time and attention away from things that would bring me so much more satisfaction. I don't know, it's all procrastination methods honed to a fine point. I just don't know why I can't get past or even around this blockade.

Ad eundum quo nemo ante iit
To boldly go where no man has gone before
From: Jenine Abarbanel To: Mardene Abarbanell Sent: Tuesday, November 18, 2008 11:31:45 PMSubject: wireless router will, what happened to the airport express? it just stopped working with your machine? why do you want a wireless router anyway? you've only got one computer, you always use it in the same place, and you've got a phone jack out in the living room, right? you? no, that jack doesn't work, does it. so you've been dragging the ethernet cable into the living room? is that too hard? what's the deal?j.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

the election.

it occurred to me this evening, while watching this election, that an enormous quantity of life changing events have populated my life. and it also occurs to me that all of these events are fodder for....drum roll....stories!!! yes. what else was happening when these BIG things were happening? uh huh. you go soon as the pain is medicated away.


girl, you're beginning to get on my nerves...........

Monday, November 3, 2008

Grant's Farm felt the holocaust email I sent was anti-muslim. geez. whatever.
ok, I'm now the owner of the biggest microwave oven in the world. Jenine, thank you for leaving me the wheely cart, without which the transport of said mic oven would have been impossible.
why do I always feel as though there is no personality in my head? like, even though the person I am is so very evident, I still feel like I'm an empty vessel. whatever, geez.

Sunday, November 2, 2008


ok, so, the microwave I bought at Target was dented in three places, the little feet were wobbly and the damn thing got HOT on top. going to return it tomorrow, and go pick up my new sears kenmore microwave oven. yeah, sears. this feels like the longest day ever.still crazy warm, I'm wearing shorts!
I have no idea what I've been doing this morning, I swear. But now I'm going to buy a microwave courtesy of my daughters. daughters are good.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

evening November 1.

and now it's evening, the sliding door is still open, and it's a magical time. the arms are done for the mermaid. pearls for this girl. Ross called. he's so very down. he just can't stop feeling sorry for himself and get up and do something. I'm hungry and I want to watch my netflix movie. no, I don't know what it is. going to go and buy a microwave. both daughters have offered to pay for it. love those girls. time to scramble some eggs. I'm tired and scratchy voiced.
well, got rid of the hindu script. that was very disconcerting. I've been able to digest and file the problem with work. it's mortifying yes, but it's $5. pain in my left shoulder and arm. is this muscle strain? I danced for a bit to the garden of gorgeous language. hard not to. went downtown for veggies. baked squash and sweet potatoes and big carrots, really sweet. one was breakfast as well. I lost 6 pounds,doing nothing. could be the veggies. certainly not exercise. got a bit heartsick looking at pictures of the kids. got the itunes on and am actually going to spend the rest of the day pushing forward my own personal agenda. love you MA.

Thursday, October 30, 2008


I am very uncomfortable expressing my dismay concerning the lowering of my hourly wage again. Surely an error has been made. How can there be any legitimate justification for lowering the wage of a long term, loyal and and competent employee? Am I to read dire undercurrents into this? Am I being told that I am not a valued team member? Am I to read between the lines of a not so subtle hint that I am dispensable, disposable, and certainly not appreciated or valued? There is barely any other way to read this. I have been depreciated. I am stunned and overwhelmed. How do I absorb this and in what direction do I go next? This is a deplorable, and underhanded way to treat a person that has worked and struggled from the inception of this program, to haul the building blocks that have made it what it is today. I am devastated.